mphfff.

Great. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep- what the crap? I even went to bed at a somewhat decent hour, did some reading before I went to bed (The Shack-William P. Young), all after having a yummy feast of Red Lobster with Koa. So you'd think I'd be all set for a night of zzzz's...

But I honestly can't pretend like I don't know why I can't sleep- now, yesterday, or for the last couple of days. We found out last Friday that our baby (or our little sweet potato, as we called the bebe) didn't have a heartbeat at 9 weeks. Koa and I were convinced that a miracle would take place after a weekend of praying- us, a huge wonderful group of our church friends, and so many others but yesterday we had another ultrasound and it confirmed our worst fears. I'd like to think that I'm going to kick myself later for not writing all of the details down in this blog, but unfortunately, I don't think that this is the kind of experience you forget easily. Especially the words, "It doesn't look good." Blech. I throw up.

Miscarriage is not something that I thought would happen to us at all. It's not exactly something that anyone talks about and shouts from the rooftops, though apparently it's fairly common. I was certain that it would not happen to us because why would God give us a baby then take it away? I intentionally skipped over the chapters in the books I've received from friends because of this- why assume the worst and...WHY?! I've been wanting to have a baby foreeeeeever and Koa and I were completely surprised when we found out that we were expecting- we weren't exactly planning or trying, it was right around my birthday, a couple of my friends are also expecting babies, and countless other things. It all seemed so perfect.

One of the things that is most upsetting is that during the first ultrasound the technician said that everything looked completely normal and that the heartbeat must of disappeared only a day or two ago. A DAY OR TWO AGO? I swear I went through those last two days event by insignificant event in my head trying to figure out if I had done something. Did that second cup of coffee the last couple of days (damn you, Starbucks deliciousness!) put me over the edge? Not enough exercise? Too much junk food (yes, it was me who ate most, well all of the ice cream sandwiches!)? Sigh. Silly. I know it's not my fault, I just can't believe that it's over. The other thing that sucks? I don't even have any symptoms- I feel normal! Well, when I think about it, all of the obvious pregnancy symptoms are gone now- tired (ha, I'm wide awake now!), sore boobs, moodiness...the whole nine yards!

The good news? At least I can actually sit down and write this now. Friday and Saturday were some of the worst days ever for me. I did not want to get out of bed at all and really felt like nothing else mattered. We're talking serious sadness- and I HATE crying and trying to explain how I'm feeling when I'm that sad. I'd rather push it away and hope that it all goes away. I watched a LOT of mindless TV...I don't even know what I watched. I didn't even want to go to church to see all of the wonderful people I mentioned because I knew I'd have to talk about it, and I hate crying in public. I know that I would have felt better for it, but I just couldn't do it. I do feel a certain sense of peace now that I know has come from many chats with the Lord and a lot of wonderful support and loving from Koa. I'm just ready to move on and try again now.

So, tomorrow (well, in a couple of hours) we're going back to the doctor to discuss what to do next. I can have a surgery to do what my body would take a couple of weeks to do and get it done quickly or wait for a few weeks for my body to handle things naturally. I think that I'm just going to schedule the surgery...it's really hard to think of having the little guy in me for that long. Morbid, I know. And they told me that it's quite excruciating and you never know when it's going to happen. We're going to New Mexico to see Koa's family on the 7th, so I would NOT want to go though something like that if I wasn't in the comfort my own house. That would just be awful. Or at work? Sheesh.

I'm going to try to go back to work today, but I'm not that excited. Not that I usually do cartwheels for work anyway, but again, I know that it's going to an awkward day with people feeling awkward towards me. I want to send out a memo that says, thanks for your sympathy but I don't want to talk about it. That sounds so awful but it's just going to bring everything up to the surface again. Sooooo many people know too- you can't keep a secret like a baby pregnant in the Marketing department for too long...seriously I skip having a glass of wine ONCE and the words out...I'm not kidding.

Sigh. This too shall pass.

Ok, to end on something a little lighter...after looking for insomnia cartoons I found this cartoon. Two things I like: the shocked look of the hunter and the Bear's face. That's comedy.

A day for ME!

Yesterday was great. It was my friend Kathi's birthday, so to celebrate, I met her at her house in the morning then we grabbed a Starbucks then we got our nails done. I was really happy with the quality of the job that they did and also the facility was really nice. Sometimes nail shops around here are kind of grungy, so I was pleasantly surprised when we walked in. They had separate rooms for the pedicures with TVs and the usual massage chairs, which were really nice and really clean areas. One thing that I'd never had done before that they had was a paraffin dip for your feet. It was heavenly- my feet feel like butter. So I got a nice (but obnoxious in usual Emily style) pink on my toes then I just had a polish change on my fingernails to a nice French pink. I'm so lucky have nice, long, natural nails! So we were there about two hours all of which were really relaxing. Kathi was meeting more friends for lunch and drinks after, and since I can't partake, I decided to head out and do a little shopping. After I gave Kathi her presents she told me she had a few for me...check out the little ears on the hat! The duck is on the back on the bum...too cute! She's out of control...but I love her!



Since I had to drive to Federal Way (which is about 45 minutes away from my house) to meet her, I decided to stop at Southcenter on the way home. Southcenter has really boomed and has a lot of new stores- all the typical strip mall, big box stuff. I found a gift card to Kohl's from a promotion they had last year at work so I decided to stop there an look around. I've only been to Kohl's once before and that was in New Mexico, so I wasn't sure what they'd have. Their selection of maternity clothes was really frumpy so I decided to check out their dinnerware section. Side note: Koa and I are definitely planning on upgrading our dishes when we move. We are using the same ones I bought when I got my first apartment and they are looking really beat up and just kinda lame. Anyways, I really want a square set, but their selection wasn't that great and even with a sale a four-piece set of plates was about $50. Akk. Not worth it.

So I moved on to the home wears and found some cute stuff all of which was either on super clearance or marked down quite a bit. So I got two handtowels for our guest bathroom (I'm kicking myself now for being a cheap skate and not getting matching bath towels too), four placemats for fall and some potporri for the candle vase on our dining room table (the picture is taken on our kitchen counter because the table was cluttered!). So I had a $25 gift card so everything came to around $29, so I only ended up paying about $4 for everything...LOVE IT! Here are a couple pics:



I had to stop at Micheal's...I but way too much stuff their that I never get around to executing...but I really want to crochet a baby layette so I bought some cotton yarn (on sale for 2/$4) and a book with some really cute patterns. I guess this means I need to get on the stick and finish the afghan I've been working on! If I just commit like two or three solid afternoons it will be done! Hopefully I'll have a picture soon...it's turning out pretty nice for my first one!



I also went to Old Navy to check out their maternity stuff but it was a total crap shoot. They seriously had like one rack of clothes and they were all ugly. I think that I just need to go to a larger Old Navy. So I went to Target and got a pair of pants for work that have the stretchy panel in them so I need to hem those today and I also got a Bella Band...something that I've anxiously been waiting to get. Since most of my pants still fit, this is a device that allows you to keep your pants unbuttoned for a little more room, but hides the fact their unbuttoned under the thick elastic material. I think it will be well worth the $15. If I can wait just a little longer to buy maternity clothes, it will pay for itself. Even the pants from Target were $25...so I think it's going to be kind of expensive. If I didn't have to work, I'd live in my sogood pants and tanks!



It's getting late already...our home-group is in charge of cleanup up before and after at church today so we need to be there at 9:30 instead of 10 today, so I need to get in the shower and put my face on! Hopefully I'll get to see Brianne's baby today- Koa's seen her twice and I'm jealous!
We're going grocery shopping after. (we've been going to all three stores to save money so we'll see if we can do it for $80 today!) I want to make a couple things today and freeze them and also work on the aforementioned afghan so we'll see!

Waiting for the coffee to brew...

I forgot to setup the coffee maker last night, so I have a couple minutes to post while I'm waiting for my joe. Koa's going into the contract job again today (whoo hoo!), so we have to leave the house around 7:30 so he can get over to Redmond by 8. I don't know how long it will last, but I think today might be the last day- he was only supposed to go in for two days but I guess they still needed him today. He has an interview tomorrow, but we both don't think that it's exactly the right fit since he doesn't possess a lot of the skills he's looking for like media relations and press releases. But, we'll see- we never know what the Lord has in store for us I guess.

The clothes that I ordered from American Eagle came a few days ago and I was reallllly disappointed. Like a fool I though by ordering XL that they would work to get me through until I buy actual materinity clothes but I tried them on and they were sooooo big, long and ill-fitting! Sigh. At least the scarf and earrings were cute...and on sale :) I have a few pairs of jeans from the bigger days that I found last night so those will have to do until I can get to the mall this weekend. I can get away with wearing jeans at least one day this week! Everything still fits in the legs, I just can't zip anything :( Sigh. I just feel fat right now and it's irritating.

Okay, need to get my face on and ready for work!

8 Weeks!

Koa and I have been so busy the last couple of days that I feel like it's been forever since I've had a chance to sit down, upload some photos and write a few paragraphs! Actually, we haven't been that busy- I guess that we've been spending some time at home relaxing after the last few weekends of go, GO, GO!

I've been pretty tired lately and honestly pretty lazy and am really looking forward to having the next couple of weeks over. Apparently in a couple of weeks, I'll wake up feeling brand new with a ton of energy and no sickness. We'll see about that. In fact, I'm so lazy that Koa is on a Blockbuster and Taco Time run as I type...no trying a new recipe for me tonight! Must do casseroles or more soup this weekend...

I love my husband. Not more than 20 minutes ago I was having a sob fest over who knows what and he patiently sat and comforted me for a good half hour while I sobbed over the silliest things! Damn hormones-it's ridiculous! Last week it was pregzilla (see the shirts we want below) and this week I'm Miss Sensitive! I guess it could be worse- plus, it's small price to pay for the little miracle that's coming in a few short months!

Here's the shirts...a little crude, but hilarious. Not sure if they are worth $38...I might surprise Koa though...


Technically I haven't been sick (no throwing up), but Sprite and crackers have definitely become close friends of mine because it seems that they are the only thing that keeps me from getting too queasy. Whoever coined the phrase "morning" sickness should be shot- the AM is just one part of the joy- it's an all day event for me! Sigh. When the 14 week mark rolls around I guess that will be relief. Not that I'm trying to rush things by any means, but jeeezzz...it's hard to be a joyful example when you feel like barfing all the time.

I can't tell if I'm actually starting to show or if I just look like I've been drinking too much beer:



We plan on taking a picture each week to document the "progress". Thank goodness I lost 35 lbs last year...My doctor (whom we love) said that gaining 30lbs was about right so I'm trying to be not too much of a beefcake and watch what I eat so I don't get too out of control. Unfortunately I did gain some of the said 35lbs back so I'm not where I'd like to be starting but anything's better than where I was. So to put it out there (since this blog is for documenting purposes) 8 weeks and I'm 145. uffff. As I'm about to rage on a yummy taco with mexi fries... And, why are all sodas not created in a diet version and readily available? Being pregnant has forced me to kick my Diet Coke habit...

Okay. This is getting long and Koa just got back so here's a few pictures of the pups from a few days ago. Shipping them to Abu Dhabi (ha) and one of Conan at a park we discovered on one of our walks:

The first picture + goodies for me!

Here’s the first picture of the baby from September 4th- not much to see, but it was pretty amazing to see it pop up on the screen! The two small plus signs are where the baby is- the doctor said it’s about the size of an apple seed. However since this picture is from two weeks ago, amazing things have already happened and by now the baby is the size of a blueberry! We’ll have another picture on the 25th which will be 9 weeks- this appointment will be pretty exciting because we’ll probably be able to hear the heartbeat and by then the baby will have grown arms and legs!

And now onto the goodies….my mom gave me a very generous gift card for my birthday so I’ve slowly been using it as I’ve thought of things that I’d like to have and, as things go on sale (I make my mother proud). So far I’ve gotten new Clinique foundation and concealer, a cute dress for Rob and Tina’s wedding and two pairs of work pants (stretchy and in a larger size!!). Of course Macy’s had a sale for Labor Day so I HAD to take advantage (especially with clearance stuff and free shipping!) so I got a pair of beautiful silk “Rocket Dog” flats for work (since I’ll need to trade in the heels soon), a new chocolate brown sheet set, a Clinique eyebrow kit and finally…a NEW coffee maker!

I’m really excited for the shoes, sheets and makeup, but I’m extra excited for the new coffee maker. I’ve been using an old one that my mom gave me YEARS ago that only makes about 2 cups, so I decided to upgrade to something a little nicer that holds more and is programmable! I’m so excited at the prospect of having my coffee ready for me in the morning! Plus, I only paid $25 when the original price was $75! And I still have almost $175 left to spend….what next? Might save it for some maternity clothes or a new wallet…I’ll have to wait and see.

More bargain shopping...I also ordered a few things from American Eagle because of their screaming deals for Labor day and should get those by next week sometime. Not only was everything that I bought on clearance, but they were offering 15% off, free shipping and buy one get one on their tees and tank tops. So I ended up getting a pair of earrings, one of those trendy fashion scarves, two long tank tops (one black, one white) for layering and four shirts (in a couple different colors) all for $43. LOVE IT! And they can all be dressed up or down, so they will be dual purpose for work and play- even better.

Don’t even get me starting on my grocery shopping on Sunday…everything we needed (had to go to all three stores though) all for $83!! The total savings on the bottom of the receipts from buying items on sale was something like $70! But, I digress…enough about being frugal…

Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

Seriously. Yesterday was nuts for the moodiness factor! One minute I'm completely excited and normal and the next I'm totally irritated and pissed at every little thing! I tripped over a pair of Koa's jeans that were resting on the ottoman, and I got so mad I threw them! My poor loving husband must seriously think that I have a screw loose, especially after yesterday. And that was the smallest incident! Grrr. Hopefully this passes, but I suppose it's a good lesson for me in patience. Sigh.

In other news, we went to lunch with AJ, Elena, Sam and Rekha to see AJ and Elena off to San Fransisco after their visit for Rob and Tina's wedding. We ate at the RAM in Northgate then walked around the mall for a little while. It was fun to see some old friends and have a few good laughs. In the evening Sam and Rekha came over to play the Wii and we played a new game called Wii Resort Sports that was pretty fun. We had planned on playing Guitar Hero, but (irritation #5,068 of the day) Best Buy wouldn't honor our protection plan on the broken cymbal so Koa wasn't able to get a replacement. Apparently they are no longer carrying the model that we have so we have to wait...I'm guessing that the new model will be more expensive than the one we have, so I'm sure we'll end up paying to get a new one even though they tricked us into purchasing the Protection Plan. What a scam.

I'm working at home this morning (well, after I finish this!) before my doctor's appointment at 10:30. This appointment is for all the blood work and history and what not, so no biggie. I have another appointment tomorrow to meet with the OBGYN, so that will be a little more exciting. I think that I'm free from appointments for a couple of weeks until they do my 9-week sonogram. The 9-week sonogram is apparently pretty exciting because the baby has formed arms and legs! Absolutely amazing.

My friend Kathi stopped by this morning (now that I've been waking up at 6!!!) to drop off Starbucks and she brought along a surprise! The outfit is for a 6-month old baby but Kathi said she didn't want to but me anything that was too young since the baby will grow out of it so fast.



Okay, now I need to get to work!

Rob and Tina's Wedding

Yesterday was Rob and Tina's wedding- a great reunion of all of our old friends. Here's a great picture of Elena and Koa and also a picture of the ladies and the groom (Elilta, Me, Emily H. Rob, Tina, Elena and Rekha). There was a party after the wedding at the hotel where all of the out-of-town guests were staying so we went for a little while, but not too late.



I've been up since 5am today! Lately, I've been waking up earlier and earlier and I'm not sure why. I think that it's because I have to use the bathroom a couple of time a night. It's kind of nice to have a little bit of time to myself to have cup of coffee and get on the internet for a little while, but frustrating because then I get tired early on in the day.

Here's a picture of Conan enjoying his sleep (of course he woke up as soon as I took the picture!):



We're off to church in about an hour then it's hopefully a chill rest of the day at home.

The Old, Married, Pregnant Lady

So our friends are getting married this Saturday and tonight was the rehearsal and dinner at my favorite restaurant, Azteca. Our friends have a long history of getting together and going out for copious amounts of drinks together so of course tonight was no different with plans for an after party at one of my old favorite places in Seattle, Marcus's Martini Heaven. Before I got pregnant and before we recommitted our lives to the Lord, I must admit that this was a favorite past time of mine. Especially with the bride and groom- it's what they do! I became accustomed to be greeted by my friend Rob (the groom) knocking at our door with an 18-pack of Coors Light ready to play dominoes or cards on a regular basis.

Tonight, (well actually at the rehersal, during dinner AND after..all of which included everyone drinking beer by all my friends) I found myself sad knowing that those days are over for me, expecially now that I'm pregnant. Not that I feel like I'm missing out on anything because I know that we would have ended up reminesing about the same stories that we always do, but it's just weird to have that part of my life gone. I guess too that Koa and I have always kind of been "mom and dad" to our group of friends because we're a couple of years older, but now it's funny because that the title is actually true. So I feel a little bummed out that I'm missing out on the fun, but feel at ease just thinking about the little gift that God has placed in my belly.

Tomorrow morning I'll have my first sonogram to find out how far a long I am and to also...drum roll please...find out if we're having twins! I'm also looking forward to tomorrow afternoon because the bridal party will be getting a manicure and pedicure!

Morning Sickness

Today Koa calculated how far along I am based on the printed report we got from the doctor today in the mail and he figured out that I'm actually six weeks pregnant tomorrow. It totally makes sense because according to what I've read online it says that the 6th week is about when the morning sickness starts.

Well, today at work around 10:30, I felt a wave of nausea so I had to sit down to take a couple of breaths. I had some plain Baked Lays in my drawer so I ate a few of those and that seemed to help. I had the same feeling this morning while I was brushing my teeth, but I was able to get past them without throwing up. Hopefully I'll be lucky and won't have to deal with much morning sickness since my Mom told me that she only had it for a week or two with all three kids. I guess I'll find out as the weeks progress.

We didn't get out to walk tonight because I was feeling pretty tired, but we did have a nice dinner of BBQ pork, corn, potatoes and salad which made me feel a little bit better. We're about to start watching the third season of Mad Men now then it's off to bed for me!

First Post!

I've decided to start a blog as a way to journal the next chapter of my life with my husband- pregnancy with our first baby!

We found out that we were expecting on August 28th, 2009 after taking THREE home tests which all were positive. I had a follow-up appointment the following Friday where I had blood drawn and learned on Monday that my HCG levels were at 5,092 which means that I'm about 4 weeks pregnant! Fortunately, I haven't felt too sick- I just feel like I need to sleep more than usual and have cramps and sore boobs.

Koa and I took a long walk today with the two pups which was nice because it's still like summer here even though it's September now. We read that exercising every day will make giving birth easier and keep me healthier so we've been going for the last few days to different parks or just around the neighborhood. We bring along a ball for the dogs so that they can run around freely and get some extra exercise- Conan could definitely stand to lose a few pounds!

Speaking of pounds, I'm scared to death of becoming a fat pregnant lady! Fine, I know that I'm supposed to gain weight, but I don't want to become a blob! So I've been trying to watch myself and not go overboard with eating, but I feel like everything tastes soooooooo good! Though I don't need them yet, I am looking forward to getting some cute maternity clothes in a month or two!

That's it for now!